Don't Look for Me

I started out with all the best intentions,
But instead I drove them all away,
Through all the drugs and countless interventions,
I never got to find my brighter day.
So now I'm lost without a smile this season,
No one to hold me or to dry my tears,
And I'm so tired of searching for a reason.
Nobody loved me, it's my greatest fear...

[Chorus]
So don't look for me, 'cause I'm no longer there
Don't wait for me 'cause I no longer care
Don't say my name in mourning,
Don't shed a tear for me.
You were never there when I needed you to be.

I gave my best but still I'm left with nothing,
So why should I continue here to try?
When I only ever wanted to feel something,
Besides the cold embrace of hateful lies.
And I have made mistakes, it's true I've faltered,
But I am not the wretch that they perceive.
If their view of me was only slightly altered,
Maybe they could finally believe.

I have grown so weary of this battle.
I fight a war I'm never going to win.
So I'm packing up, farewell to old Seattle,
I hope to never grace your streets again.
Just tell them all I'm sorry that I failed them,
I hate to let you down but I'm so tired.
They say Hell's road is paved with good intentions,
And I'm sick of trying to put out friendly fires.

Days Gone By

Have you ever found yourself yearning for days gone by?

The innocence of youth, without a question of "Why?"

Laughing and playing 'til you wore yourself out,

Not a care in the world, nor a fear or a doubt.

When money was a thing for grown-ups to worry,

And time wasn't lost in the hustle and hurry.

When hours could be spent playing out in the sun,

Exploring and climbing {trees} were just half our fun.

Now the time quickly passes with the worries of life,

Maybe work, maybe money, or kids and a wife,

The hours spent outside have now dwindled to nil,

And I've traded adventure for just sitting still.

As I listen to laughter just outside my door,

I reminisce of toys spread out over the floor,

The meaningless games we invented, somehow

mean so much more when I think of them now.

'Cause we spent time together, and I miss that so much,

I long for the love and the laughter and such.

As I think back I can't keep from shedding a tear,

It hurts that those closest are so far from here.

I know that they're only a phone call away,

But I often wish we were together today.

If you haven't seen one you love in a while,

Let them know you still care, send a hug or a smile.

And if you have strength at the end of your day,

take the time, go outside, have some fun, just GO PLAY!

Sweet Bliss

Tossing and turning in a sea of blankets,
my mind once again on autopilot.
It's 3 am and yet, though I'm exhausted,
my brain barrels on at breakneck speed.
Thinking of lost love and life after death;
wondering the meaning of life, besides of course 42.
Wishing there was a magical spell to switch off my head so I can rest.
When an epiphany occurs!
Might music calm the spirits within?
Soon "The Sound of Silence" is playing softly in my ears.
I can feel my mind start to fade and my troubles melt.
As my eyelids slowly droop, my conscious dissolves into sweet blissful nothing.
Ah, sleep at last!

Holding on Hope

*Disclaimer: The lyrics of the first two verses do not reflect my current feelings. They are inspired by past events and what I felt then.



It's over.

I finally get it, it all makes such perfect sense now.

Still love her,

But I should forget it, and let it all go somehow.

I cry out in pain and despair,

But it's quiet 'cause no one's there...



No more holding on hope,

I let go of this rope,

'cause I know that this is the end.

As I fall to the abyss,

I look back and reminisce,

to the time when we still were just friends.

But in the end, I never could make amends...



She hates me.

If anyone asks, just tell them the facts so they know.

I screwed up,

and left her alone so that I could go home, why'd I go?

Well I've shed so many tears,

and it seems that only God hears...



(repeat chorus)



But suicide isn't the answer, or the cure for insanity's cancer...



So I'm holding on hope,

Got a grip on my rope,

'cause I know that it's not the end.

I will climb 'til I'm free

Of the pain haunting me,

and the heartbreak I felt in my chest.

Get some rest, and I'm finally on the mend.



I found her.

She's just right for me, it seems meant to be. It all makes such perfect sense now... :)

I Woke Up this Morning

I woke up this morning with a song upon my heart.

I dreamed you said you loved me and that we would never part.

But then I saw that you weren't there and started feeling bad,

Look back at all the time we shared and all the love we had...

I woke up this morning feeling good but now it's gone.

And now there's tears on my cheeks as I'm singin' you this song;

I wish that you'd come back and we could start over again,

'cause only you can save me from this slump that I've been in...

I woke up this morning to the sound of pouring rain,

pick up the phone to call you but I know it's all in vain.

I never got your number and you said I couldn't call

Maybe I'd be better if we hadn't met at all...

I woke up this morning and I saw you left a note

I started crying tears of joy as I read what you wrote

You said I miss you baby and I'm sorry I hurt you

You know I made a promise that I would always be true....

I woke up this morning with my girl at my bedside

We talked and laughed and reminisced and then we hugged and cried

And all the time she'd been away she always thought of me

Now I know she loves me so I guess it's meant to be...

I woke up this morning with a song upon my heart...

Love Songs to No One

We once were so close

it seemed meant to be

and I thought that nothing could take you from me

Then I moved away

and I still rue the day

the day that I told you that I had to leave

Now you found someone else,I'm here by myself

Wishing you'd come back again

though you broke my heart

and tore me apart

I hope that we can still be friends.



I'm here on my own writing love songs to no one

and it feels so wrong when you're all alone

I want you to know I miss you and it's no fun

writing love songs to no one

writing love songs to no one...



Can't sleep at night

I still dream of you

and it sucks that there's nothing that I can do

If time heals all wounds I hope I heal soon

'cause it would be nice just to get over you

the tears in my eyes

are hard to disguise

Even in Seattle rain

I think I'll let go

let my feelings show

'cause I'm sick of hiding the pain.

Cried My Eyes Out

I wrote this poem in the summer of 2008 and forgot all about it until now.

I cried my eyes out on the plane,
Let go of lots of hurt and pain.
I thought I missed my family,
Now my baby misses me
I cried my eyes out on the plane.

I told her I'd always be there,
Now I'm gone and it's not fair.
Separated by a thousand miles,
wish I could just see her smile
I told her I'd always be there.

I think I caused her too much pain,
and now it's drivin' me insane.
She thought I'd love her till the end,
now all we can be is friends
I think I caused her too much pain.

Dagger Heart poem

This is an early example of a mixture of my poetry and art.

The Poem:
Love is like a jeweled dagger,
It can lacerate your life.
But Hate can never be the answer,
It too can shatter precious lives.

4given?

Many times in my life I have cried out to God,
Wondering if he can forgive.
I tried to be right, walk the path that He trod,
Asking Him to help me live.
Yet I can't remember the day I was saved,
I've doubted my God many times;
I cannot recall the day He forgave,
And washed with His blood all my crimes.

Need to Belong

I'm so alone and I feel like no one cares,
I try to pray but it seems like God's not there.
I've lost my mind, try to find the reason why they hate,
I am confused why my soul is in such a state.

My head is hurting and my brain is getting numb,
Ruined my life, now I feel like a bum.
All along, as I sing this song, it all feels so wrong;
My soul was cursed, from my birth, with the need to belong.

(Chorus)
I'm trapped inside the feelings of my soul,
it's like I've fallen into a never-ending hole.
I go insane, I've fallen for so long;
Feeling the pain from my need to belong.

I try to stand, but it feels my legs aren't there,
Please hold my hand, the pain's too much to bear.
I'm deserted in this dead and desolate place;
It hurts me that I can't see her pretty face.

My heart is beating and it seems like a drum;
I'm not prepared for what pain is yet to come.
My ears ring as I sing, like the sound of a gong,
I've been cursed from my birth with the need to belong.

Oxymoron

I look to the sky, tears stream down my face;
I don't want to die, gone without a trace.
The pain is so unreal, can't seem to see the light;
You can't hear or feel, the darkness in my life.

But I know that won't stop me,
I won't let this bring me down...

(Chorus)
'Cause sometimes pain can feel so good;
Being lonely makes me strong.
I don't wanna do what I should,
'cause it feels so right when it's so wrong.

When she broke my heart, she thought I was weak;
But she just helped me start the revenge that I seek.
She thought I would choke, from the pain & strife,
But I'm fueled by the suffering that cuts me like a knife.

I know she'll never stop me,
I refuse to sink or drown...

I finally conquered the painful memories,
I had to stop them before they killed me.
I cannot let go of this newfound freedom,
For I'm finally ridden of that painful problem.

Wilted Roses

Time goes by so slowly,
I'm dying painfully.
My life is so lonely,
It's all in vain for me.
Ever since you left me,
I have nowhere to go.
I'm blinded and I can't see,
my mind has sunk so low.

(Chorus)
Love's a bunch of wilted roses,
Thorns cut deep inside my heart.
I knelt down and begged and pleaded,
Still hateful words pierce like a dart.

When I look in your eyes,
I feel a burning pain.
All the acid words and lies,
start pulsing through my veins.
I'm nothing but a shell now,
Eroded by this hate.
Before I die I vow to reduce you to my state!

Love Ain't an Angel

She told me that she loved me, then she walked away,
that moment lives forever, since that fateful day.
It seems I never let go of the love I felt inside;
It left an ugly scar that I can never hide.

(Chorus)
Well, love ain't an angel,
the pain and hurt inside is like Hell.
you never forget your first love;
and whether you heal, only time will tell.

I swear to always keep you inside my heart,
even though you hurt me and tore me apart.
I'll never stop thinking of you, my first true love;
Your face like an angel God sent from above.

You left me a sign inside that you still care
but when I'm feeling lonely, I wish you were still there.
You give me the inspiration to hold on to hope;
The sound of your name helps my spirit cope.

I'll never let go of you,
'Cause you're still in my heart;
The love that I still feel
Gives me a fresh new start.

My Heart is Broken Again

I wrote this when my most recent girlfriend broke up with me.

My heart is broken again,
And now I’ve lost another friend.
She found someone else, and I’m here by myself.
I wish I could have told her how I feel,
I hope that time can help me heal.
Can I ever find another girl?
Who loves me more than the rest of the world?
Why did I ever have to go?
Will she ever get to know?
That I love her more than words could ever say,
And I’d take her back on any day.
I’ll sure miss her.

False Judgement (Originally What? Why? How?)

People call me a freak because I'm different.
Is that any reason to treat me like dirt?
What have I done to deserve this bad treatment?
Is the dirt of the Earth all in the world that I'm worth?

Does it really matter what I look like or how I act?
How can my heart be shattered when my body's still intact?
What is the reason for all the hatred in this world?
I can't understand this; my mind's in a whirl.


*I was awarded the poetry.com Editor's choice award for this poem in May 2007*